For A Game About Beans, 'Fall Guys' Has Some Cursed Lore

Fall Guys is my comfort game, and it has been since launch. Every now and then, it’s nice to take a break from saving the world, or making life and death decisions. Don’t get me wrong. Fall Guys is no walk in the park - I am seriously competitive - but it’s hard to get too pent up over a bunch of bouncy beans that go ‘WooWoo.’ It’s a wholesome game … on the surface. The worst you can do is grab a fellow bean, but if they grab you back it soon turns into an adorable hug and all is right again in the world. There’s not many games where you can dab, and get away with the levels of cringe. All around good vibes. Until you look into the game’s lore. 

You may not know that Fall Guys has some incredibly cursed lore and today, I’m going to delve through the dark secrets of the Blunderdome. I’m sure casual players will have come across some of Fall Guys’ weird obstacle lore. There’s Thicc Bonkus and Big Yeetus which are … choice names but I’ll accept it. It’s the Fall Guys themselves that harber dark secrets so we’ll start with a particularly cursed topic, Fall Guy anatomy. Prepare yourselves folks.

In case you missed it, Fall Guys perfectly recreated one of Halo's most iconic trailers. Take a look below.

Back in September 2020, the official Fall Guys Twitter account released an xray of a Fall Guy, and there is so much to take in. I think of Fall Guys as being tiny lil’ adorable beans but no, these bad boys are taller than me. Fall Guys come in at a whopping six feet, or 183 centimetres. Their skeletons have a couple of quirks too. The eyes, oh god, the eyes. I wish I had an explanation to give you but there’s no explaining the levels of cursed in those veiny monstrosities. Next up, you may have overlooked this but Fall Guys seemingly have internal nipples. I don’t want to make this weird but then again, I did not create the artwork. Once you’ve seen them, you can’t unsee them and we’re moving on to something much worse. There’s, um, something going on between this Fall Guys’ legs and it’s not something we’re going to linger on but I’d like to point out that someone at Fall Guys HQ committed this little piece of anatomy to lore.

‘How do Fall Guys eat?’ is probably a thought that’s never crossed your mind, but don’t worry. There’s official lore on it anyway. Fall Guys eat through their feet, a fact that was confirmed by Fall Guys’ community manager OliverAge24. The problem is, there’s no lore on exactly how this works. From what we’ve seen, Fall Guys don’t have mouths on their feet but honestly at this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if they did. Perhaps they simply soak up food through their feet pores, which sounds like a reasonable suggestion within the cursed realm of Fall Guys lore. I do have a few questions though: Is slime food? Can they taste the Blunderdome’s courses? Seeing as there is SO much oversized fruit in the game, is this what Fall Guys snack on? More questions than answers on this topic, I’m afraid.

There was a brand new lore drop recently. Ever wondered where all those eggs come from in Egg Scramble and Egg Siege? Well, apparently, Fall Guys lay eggs. Again, not to take this article to disturbing depths, but the only Fall Guys orifice we know of is their eyes, so does this mean Fall Guys lay eggs out of their eyes? And if they DO come from their eyes, please let this be something we never have to see. Does this mean that when we steal eggs in Egg Scramble we’re actually stealing someone else’s baby bean? Because that just makes me sad. You’ve really started something cursed now, Fall Guys.

This brings me onto my final piece of lore, much to the relief of everyone who’s made it this far. Some Fall Guys are more sentient than others. You may presume that all beans are born equal but that’s clearly not the case as the Blunderdome is run by a scientific Fall Guy known only as Silent. If Silent has the brain power to organise such an event, filled with so many beans, it does make you wonder why regular Fall Guys so passively do as they’re instructed. Are Fall Guys brainwashed into submission, or was Silent genetically engineered? Maybe Fall Guys are brainwashed, and that’s why they don’t know the game’s eggs are baby beans, and that dark thought brings us to the end of this cursed road trip. Fall Guys may seem wholesome but you cannot deny that this lore is dark. Honestly Fall Guys, we need answers because I’m seeing the Blunderdome in a completely new light. Help.