Elden Ring's bosses ranked by how dateable they’d be
Elden Ring, believe it or not, is not a dating game. In fact, many would probably argue that it’s the exact opposite. It’s an open-world behemoth of an action-RPG which sees players embark on potentially 100+ hour quests to smash the ever-loving s**t out of grotesque creatures while dying a lot in the process. There’s no time for love in the Lands Between.
But what if there was? Assuming that all of Elden Ring’s bosses were single and ready to mingle, who’d be the biggest catch? These are questions which have profoundly upset my GAMINGbible colleagues, and so I feel it’s only right to inflict them on the world. So here it is, the article no one asked for - my definitive (and obviously very serious) ranking of how good every main Elden Ring boss would be as a romantic partner. FromSoftware, I am very sorry.
Before we descend into chaos, take a look at this streamer beating Elden Ring with a dance mat below.
Unclassified
This category is home to the bosses who just aren’t human enough to be eligible. Look, I know that very few of Elden Ring’s monstrosities can be even remotely considered good looking, but I hope you weren’t hoping for me to give a detailed analysis of the literal dragons and wolves and how good they’d be on a date.
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So, in no particular order, the following are out: Mimic Tear, Red Wolf of Radagon, Dragonlord Placidusax, Lichdragon Fortisaxx, Dragonkin Soldier of Nokstella, Magma Wyrm Makar, Leonine Misbegotten, Astel, Ancestor Spirit, Regal Ancestor Spirit, Valiant Gargoyle, Rykard, Elden Beast and Maliketh.
With those out of the way, let’s begin with the lowest of the low, and work our way up.
14) Mohg
Elden Ring’s characters aren’t generally known for their upstanding moral integrity, but Mohg is quite easily the worst of them all. The guy is absolutely obsessed with Miquella and becoming his consort, and he’s done some very questionable things to try and make it happen. It’d be a bit like an extreme version of dating someone who’s clearly not over their ex, which isn’t fun even when creepy blood magic and the kidnapping of a sleeping, cocooned guy isn’t involved. Just steer clear of him, alright?
13) Margit/Morgott
Morgott is a crusty, hairy man, and his personality does absolutely nothing to make up for it. When the Tarnished first meets him, he totally belittles them, which is an awful first impression to make. “Put these foolish ambitions to rest”, huh? That’s not the sort of attitude anyone wants in a partner. He’s also so full of himself that he’d declare himself king, which really cements him as an overall unpleasant individual. Do better, Morgott.
12) Elemer of the Briar
Supporting small businesses is always a nice thing to do. Give back to the community, help people grow their unique ideas from the ground up and all that. Elemer of the Briar basically does the complete opposite of this in his role as the Bell Bearing Hunter, which is just rude if you ask me. He’s also basically on the Elden Ring equivalent of death row, so…y’know. Maybe not the best person to hang out with.
11) Godskin Duo
Look. Godskin Duo is, as their name suggests, a duo already. While I’m sure they’re perfectly pleasant…uh, whatever they are, they’re already the perfect team. No, there’s no lore to suggest that they’re already a couple, but they seem perfectly happy in each others’ company. Who would a Tarnished warrior be to try and make it a crowd?
10) Radahn
Radahn is a big fella who likes horses, and I respect that. I don’t know how that trusty steed of his is still standing given the sheer size of its owner, but clearly he takes good care of it. By that reckoning, he’s also the closest thing that Elden Ring has to a horse girl - whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing probably entirely depends on how much of a horse lover you are yourself. Unfortunately for poor Radahn though, his scarlet rot affliction has made him permanently full of rage, so the arguments would be horrendous. No one wants that.
9) Godfrey/Hoarah Loux
If there’s one thing that stands out about Godfrey, other than his huge, regal presence, it’s his beard. Seriously, just look at it properly for a minute. And the braid?! Fabulous. This is a guy that takes good care of himself, which is always a good sign. One huge issue though - we can’t forget what he does to his lion buddy Serosh when he transforms into Hoarah Loux. He’s not good with animals, to say the least, and I’d say that’s a dealbreaker.
8) Sir Gideon Ofnir
Gideon appears to have a lot going for him at first. He’s a very knowledgeable fellow, knows how to hold a conversation, and is pretty pleasant for the most part - out of everyone in the game, he’s probably the best to chat to. Unfortunately though, when push comes to shove, he ultimately attempts to put a stop to the Tarnished warrior’s dreams, proving that his support up to that point had been somewhat of a facade. No one likes a fake friend, and certainly not a fake partner. You were so close to greatness, Gideon.
7) Radagon
Some say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, but Radagon believes it’s actually your entire open chest. Good for him. He definitely has seen better days, though - the poor guy is practically falling apart. Despite that, he’s as strong as ever, and you’ve got to commend him for his resilience. He’s a very quiet guy though - definitely not much of a conversationalist.
6) Fire Giant
Some people value height in a partner, and Fire Giant says he’s 30 ft tall, if it matters. With his fire powers, he’d be very warm and cosy to snuggle up with - everyone loves a warm hug. He’d also be great at grabbing things from tall shelves. However, that huge nose on his chest raises one pertinent question - does he snore? Because if so, that would be deafening, and would wear thin very fast.
5) Godrick
Godrick has a LOT of extra arms and hands, which can only mean that he’s great for hugs, holding hands, and many other activities that we’re not going to get into. Like chores! Truly, Godrick could be a domestic god (or rather, demigod) if he put his mind to it. Got loads of dishes to wash? Consider them done. How about frying multiple pancakes at once? You got it. The guy could even have an incredibly lucrative career as a dog walker. You’ve got to hand it to him (haha), he’d be a very helpful person, and that’s a great quality to have.
4) Malenia
Malenia is fiercely loyal, as she proved with her devotion to her brother Miquella, and that’s a fantastic trait to have. Her scarlet flower only blooms when she’s stressed, too, so perhaps a loving relationship with a Tarnished warrior could help her relax and keep that at bay. There’s one unfortunate problem, though, due to the Scarlet Rot affliction she was born with, it’d be impossible to even hold hands with her without slowly dying - unless you carry a lot of Preserving Boluses around with you at all times. Hey, she may well be worth it, and compared to a lot of the others on this list, I’d argue she is.
3) Commander Niall
Niall is an example of an awesome, selfless guy. He gave up his own prosthesis so that he could save an army of defeated knights, which just goes to show how much he’s willing to do for others - and how loyal he is, too. I don’t know about you, but those sure sound like some very promising attributes. Plus, his cool armour makes me think that he has a good sense of fashion, so he’ll always be ready to go out on the town.
2) Loretta
As shown by her dedication to finding a safe sanctuary for the Albinauric people, Loretta cares a lot about the people around her, which is far more than can be said about many of the others we’ve already talked about. She’s very talented, too, with her incredible magic proficiency and skilled horseback riding. While she might not have a lot to say, she makes up for it in cool, majestic vibes.
1) Rennala
Rennala is pretty great, actually. She’s a very caring sort, constantly reviving the students around her (admittedly a strange thing to say), and by all accounts seems to be a relatively good mother - as far as mothers go in the Lands Between, anyway.
After living out so many of her days in a library, it’s safe to say that she’s a very well-read person, and with her incredible magical abilities, things are never going to get boring. Want to hang out with a dragon? No problem, she can conjure one right up. How about a romantic evening of moon-gazing? Stand back while she creates an entire moon.
More importantly, Rennala always supports the Tarnished in their efforts to better themselves and try new things. She helps them correct mistakes made in the past, and will do everything in her power to help them travel a new path. Who says that can only apply to the excessive amount of runes you poured into Vigor? Not her. Every Tarnished warrior has been going to her to respec their stats, but perhaps we should have been looking for more all along.
Topics: Elden Ring, Fromsoftware, Bandai Namco